Mama Bear

Last weekend Steve and I hired a sitter (two sitters actually) and went to a movie. We saw Blindside. If you have not seen this movie, I highly suggest it. It is very inspirational and sheds a little light into the lives of many children in this country. Of course, you find yourself rooting for the kid, Michael, to make it out of the ghetto gang infested situation that he was born into. But more than that, you also find yourself rooting for the mom to overcome all that is "proper and right" with her own little self-righteous world to help this kid. Upon leaving the movie I felt a sense of pride knowing that at one point, I was that mom in the school system.

As many of you know, I was a principal in an inner city school in Chicago. When I say inner-city, that is truly what I mean. We had a crack house a few doors down from us. When I went into any store near my school, I was always the only white person there; let alone female. Leaving at night was scary. Being there on the weekends was even scarier. It was a good school in very rough area. Drug dealers hung out at the store across the street. We had off duty police officers as security on staff. The funny thing is, we never had any problems inside our school building. Outside was a different story.

When those kids were in our school, they were safe. Even the gang members were safe from each other. We made sure of that. We had zero tolerance for smack talk, showing colors, signs and foul language. Our kids knew that our school was a place for a full meal and a warm classroom.

We were a charter school so that means we were a school of choice. We had kids from all over Chicago attending our school. We did not have buses so many of these kids took the city bus or the train that stopped two blocks outside of our doors. Come hell or high water the kids came to school. School was better than being at home. Better yet, our school day was nine hours long so if they came early and stayed late the could have breakfast at school and a snack after school.

Now, you might be questioning how I fit in at this school. Well, I really didn't. I was the only white member of the administrative staff. I was among a small handful (one hand) of white teachers. I was called a lot of names by parents. Never by the kids. These kids knew I would protect them at all costs. I was hard on them, but I was fair. I remember one day I kept a girl after school for detention. I can't even remember what she did to deserve that now but I was adamant about keeping her after school despite her protests that she would not have a ride home. "I'll give you a ride home myself", I said. Wow. I had no idea. This girl's grandmother had died recently (most of the students lived with someone other than their parents). She told me she had been sent back to her mom's house to live. Hmm, how bad could that be, I thought. Bad. The house did not even look like someone could live in it. The windows were broken and boarded up. The weeds out front had taken over the shabby steps. The paint was peeling and the concrete was busted. There is no way she lives here, I thought. Yep, she did. I caught a glimpse of the inside of the house as she walked through the doors. I can't even think of a word to describe it. Later, I learned that her mother was an addict (hence, the reason she lived with her grandmother all those years). This was a case that was never sent to a social worker. It's not like she was sent to live with her grandmother by a judge. Her mother just took her there one day and never came back to get her. The night I dropped her off at her house, I cried. I cried for all of the other kids at that school that I knew were going through the same thing. I cried for all of the mothers that were so messed up on drugs that they didn't care whether their children were home or not. I cried because I got to go home to my warm house in my warm car and eat my warm food. I got to take a hot shower at night and sleep without the fear of my house being broken into or bugs crawling on my floor. My heart shattered for those kids.

At the time, Steve and I did not have kids. I poured my heart and soul into my job. I knew I was protected. My director, Robert, was a wonderful man an boss. He took care of each of these kids (all 800 of them) like they were his own. He was a big black man with hands as big as bear paws. (To get a visual, think Hagrid from Harry Potter.) I always felt safe inside those school walls with him there. I knew the kids felt safe too.

During my three year there I went to two funerals. They were not funerals of kids but of their parents. I am sure there were many more that I did not know about. I learned of these funerals from the few kids that would actually talk to me in the first few weeks of school. After the first few months, word got out that I had a bowl of candy on my desk. Kids would stop in my office between passing periods and grab a handful of candy. I always left my door open. Sometimes I would be in the hallway and come back to find the candy dish completely empty. No doubt someone just dumped the whole dish into their back pack. But these kids were hungry. If I needed to buy another $6 bag of candy, so what. I wanted to put fruit out there too but that would make it uncool for them to come into my office. And so the ritual went. Each day I would fill that candy dish and each day I would have students meander into my office. Eventually they would stay and talk. They would tell me about their lives, their dreams, their families, what they faced at home, on the streets, in their future. I just sat and listened. I let them cry. I cried for them and with them sometimes. To hear what they had already faced was heartbreaking.

They needed me and I needed them. I needed to make a difference to them. I think to some, I did. They trusted me enough to tell their stories. They trusted me enough to hug me in the hallway. They trusted me enough that they would ask if I needed help after school. Most of them did not want to go home.

I wish there was more that I could have done for them. I knew when I started my own family, that I could not be torn in two. I needed to devote my time to my own kids knowing that someday I might go back to a school like this. I protect my kids just as I did those kids at school. I am still the Mama Bear watching after her cubs. I only have two kids to protect now but whether it is two or 800, I will still protect them. I will strive to give them everything they need. I will always be there for them. I hope that someday I can go back to protecting those kids in schools that have no one else to protect them. I need to be needed by them. I need to be a safe place for them. I miss them.

Time Flies; Or Not

Time sure flies. As I sit here reading my last post published in January, I am struck with sheer awe of how many days have gone by since then. I can not say that I have been especially busy. I just seem to get pulled in different directions every day. There are so many things that I should be doing right now. (For instance, right now Camden is yelling at me from down stairs because he and Colin are playing outside and they "need" me. I am going to try to ignore them and see if that works. Nope, here he comes.... Okay he just needed some tape. Not sure why he needs tape outside but in order for me to get a minute to myself, I have now instructed him where the tape resides in our house. I am sure that I will pay for this later as a 4 year set loose with a roll of tape is never a good idea.) See how easily I get off track?

Since the last time I wrote on my blog, Colin has turned 6 years old. I just can not believe that he is six already. He no longer resembles a "toddler" in any way. He is tall and skinny. He usually has a beautiful grin on his face that tells me he loves life. It is so hard for me to let him be six. He's been riding a bike without training wheels for a few years now. He's starting to enjoy BMX biking and hangs from the monkey bars like none other. But he still wants me to take him to school and kiss him goodbye. He still wants me to (oh, here comes Cam up the stairs again... now he's crying about not wanting to play the wii which confuses me a little since he is playing out side.

And we're back. I tried my best to figure out why he was crying but I can not make any sense of it. Cam is currently in his room crying and I am going to finish this post before I deal with a crying boy.)

So, as I was saying, Colin still wants me to lay down beside him every night and tuck him in. He is still like a little boy in so many ways. Then there are times when I get the "Mom, just leave me alone" look. It 's hard to treat him like a little boy and like a big boy at the same time. I guess I have many more years of that to come.

Now a little about Camden's progress over the last few months. When that boy is happy, he is really really happy. When he is angry, he is really really angry. He is such a fun boy to be around. He giggles and laughs and plays tricks on you. But everything can turn on a dime. His fits have gotten fewer and farther between. I don't know if it because he is finally starting to outgrow them or if we have just learned to avoid/diffuse them better. Nonetheless, he is easier to handle and has turned out to be a very lovey kid. He gives hugs and kisses very freely to me and has to give Colin a hug everyday before he leaves for school. Colin tolerates it most days.

That's all the time I have for now. I had hoped to give a long summation of Jan., Feb. and March but now I hear the kids arguing outside. Free time is over.

Here I Am

Well, it's been awhile my blogging friends. The basement is almost completed so I decided that we needed to paint the entire upstairs. That took awhile. Combine that with some cold weather and a few colds and you have one procrastinating woman.

Let's see what has happened around here the last few weeks. Cam has had a lot of questions about God and heaven. He has asked a lot about who he will see in heaven and what he will do in heaven. It always brings tears to my eyes when my kids talk about this. The thought of losing them makes me so sad and the thought of them going to heaven makes me so happy. Very deep thoughts for a Tuesday morning.

Colin continues to be a Lego maniac. He has started saving up $55 for Lego Mind storm kit. I am not sure that it is going to do what he thinks it is going to do but the kid has a goal. He has also decided that he wants another cat for himself. A cat that he can actually pet. Hmm, he might be onto something.

Well, gotta go pick up kids from school. That was a refreshing 5 minutes to myself.

This One Is For Me

This blog was created mainly to write down the funny antics of my children. At this point, my children have consumed me day and night for the last, oh, 3 months. Steve has been very gracious to give me time off when I go into a tail spin. He lets me sleep in whenever he can. I probably take advantage of that since I know there are other things he would like to be doing also. But this is a new year. I suppose I could make the same old resolutions. Lose weight. Eat better. Exercise more. Read. To that end, I have decided that by this summer anything in my closet that does not fit is going to Goodwill. I do not MAKE time for me. Everything supersedes whatever I have planned. It seems that when I plan something, it all falls apart with sick kids, a sick me, appointments, long nights, Steve's work, my work....the list goes on. So that is the first resolution; simply put: Make time for me. That one is going to be very hard.

Here's the second resolution: Friendship. It's not a clearly defined goal. I just know that I need more friends and less acquaintances. I know all of the moms in Colin and Cam's classes. I say hi to the neighbors. There's a lot of "We should get together" flying around out there. But since I have moved here 3 years ago, I have not found a person that I can hang out with on a regular basis. There are a few friends that I would like to get together with more. It's just hard with young kids. They get sick. We get sick. They have school. We have school.... However, I am not going to make those excuses anymore. I'm not asking for lots of friends to go out with every night. I am just asking for a few (even just one) great friend that I can hang out with. A family to go camping with and have over for dinner. Someone to celebrate birthdays and holidays with. We don't have family around and it is so hard to celebrate these things by ourselves. I'd like to blame this lack of friends on having kids. Nope, not working since everyone I know has kids. Okay, maybe it's a busy schedule. Again, nope, everyone is busy in their own way but others seem to find time to have parties, gatherings, trips and everything else under the sun. So, resolution 2 is to be a better friend. I need to get out more with and without my kids.

The last resolution is easy. Each weekend I would like to do at least one activity as a family. We started this weekend by going swimming. I just let myself be in the moment. I did not worry about the lack of progress on the basement for the moment. I did not worry about the Christmas decorations that needed to be put away or the floors that needed swept. I just really and truly enjoyed being with my family. It was great to hear the giggles from the kids and see Steve smiling. It was just a good feeling to know that our kids were happy and we were spending time with them. It won't be too long from now that they won't want to spend time with us. Until then, bring on the family fun!

What are your resolutions this year?

Night and Day

My kids could not be any more different. Here are some of our recent conversations:

Colin: "You're the best mommy in the world."

Camden: "I wish I didn't have a mom."

Colin: "I am trying to be good so I don't get on the naughty list."

Camden: "Since I am on the naughty list, what can I do to get off of it?"

Colin: I don't really like this present but I will be thankful for what I got anyway."

Camden: "Can we take this back?"

And the clencher of it all....

This morning Colin was playing very quietly with this legos. After he finished his creation, he handed it to me and said, "Mom, this is a reminder of what Christmas is all about. Jesus was born on Christmas Day but he died for us so that our sins could be forgiven." What a proud Mommy moment.

And then, three hours later in the car... I looked back in the rear view mirror to see Camden with a plastic grocery bag over his head. He put it on his head because he thought it was funny. (Sorry, no pictures of that one.)

Lord, please give me strength.

Frostbite

Today it was cold. I mean really, really cold. When I checked the weather before taking the kids to gymnastics the reports said it felt like -11 degrees. That's really, really cold. After gymnastics Colin wanted to play outside. After a battle of "whys" and "hows" I finally explained to him the process of frostbite. I did not want to have to go that far, but my mommy brain can only function for so long before I just throw in the towel. Had I turned around to look at Colin's face while I was explaining this to him in the car, I am certain that I would have seen the most horrified look. I know because I saw that look about two minutes after we walked through the door.

(Okay, so this picture has nothing to do with what happened today. This is actually on Colin's last day of Pre-K. He cried and cried and cried. The teachers called me to warn me before I picked him up that he had been crying all morning. I had to take pictures of him with all of his favorite toys. He was going to miss Pre-K and did not want to leave. Someday I will remind him that he cried everyday I TOOK HIM TO PRE-K. He left a hole in my heart every time I dropped him off. So on the last day, he decided he did not want to leave. Can you tell that he can be a bit overly dramatic?)

Back to the story....Scooby wanted outside so naturally I let her out. Colin went running to the door calling for her and crying. I couldn't figure out what was going on. Then it clicked. He thought Scooby was going to have her extremities frozen off from frostbite. Why oh why did I have to lose my patience on that subject? I'll probably never convince Colin that is is safe to go outside in the cold.

On another great note, Colin told me tonight that he was so thankful that I was his mom. He said he loved me and that I was the best mom ever. This was totally unprompted so I thought it was really sweet. He went on to say how much he loved daddy too. I was waiting for him to say something about Camden but it never happened. So I asked him if he was thankful for Camden. He told me, "I'll have to think about that." Ah, brotherly love. I mean, who wouldn't love this sweet little kid?

Stories From the Week

I have a lot of random stories and thoughts from the week. I'll just start writing them as they pop in my mind.

First of all, I love Christmas time. I know most people feel the same way. (Except for those Ba Humbug people out there that hate to shop, hate crowds and hate carols.) I, on the other hand, enjoy all that comes along with Christmas. The crowds, the baking, the shopping, the baking, the singing, the baking, the Christmas movies; even the cold....to a point. It has been just downright cold here. Today it was 7 degrees when we were standing outside waiting for a bus that never showed. I ended up taking Colin to school but my toes were frozen for hours. Since it has been so cold outside, I have not been able to get the kids outside much. With two boys, this promotes a lot of wrestling, running and throwing things indoors. Just call before you come over so I can pick up the house. :-)

We've done a lot of our Christmas crafts already this year. I am not sure how I am going to fill the 3+ week break that the kids have off of school. We've already decorated our gingerbread house. The boys always have so much fun licking and tasting all of the candy. Be warned, do not eat anything off of this house if you visit. It's all been licked by one or the other.

It seems that a $10.00 gingerbread house is a good investment for us. This gingerbread house allows for about an hour of quite time listening to Christmas music in an otherwise chaotic house. It seems that candy actually calms my kids. Go figure. It must really taste good!

Camden decided to really get into the spirit this year. He took the term "stockings" to a whole new level. Yes, those are stockings on his feet. He also had to change his clothes so that we could get the full effect of the stockings. Fabio, move over. Here comes Rico Suave.

Of course, after the pictures were taken he hopped down off of the step. Not such a big deal unless you consider that just below the stairs is wood flooring. He dropped the snow globe and it cracked. Tears and apologies were had all around. I guess there's always the after Christmas sales for a good replacement. I'll replace the two broken ornaments from the decorating extravaganza too. It seems like we end up with a few casualties every year. Funny how that works with small children. So, our holiday traditions continue. We have some decorations outside. The stockings are hung. The tree is lit up brilliantly. The boys have their own little trees in their rooms. We have decorated a gingerbread house. I have glue stuck to my floor from all of the seasonal crafts. We've even made sugar cookies already. The only thing missing this year will be family. This will be my first year, ever, to not have family around on Christmas morning. It is going to be very strange for me. I am excited that that kids get to wake up in their own beds and run down to their tree on Christmas morning. However, that void of time that happens after the gifts are all unwrapped and wonderful lunch is cooking in the oven is going to be hard to fill this year. I'll just have to keep thinking happy thoughts. I can remember pieces of so many holidays spent with my family (and Steve's family too). I just hope that someday my kids want me around as much as I want my own family around. I am not sure how we all grew up and still stay pretty close. My parents must have done something right.

So now, just a few random thoughts. Camden is convinced that the word "teenager" is pronounced "teamager". He thinks you have to be on team to be this age. Colin has tried to convince him otherwise but he is not budging. Cam's can be a little stubborn. Wonder where he gets that from?

Colin got his first report card today from Kindergarten. I was not expecting it. To see his grades and achievements assessed on paper. Well, it was quite a defining moment for me. His reports were all good. They don't really get grades at this point but his assessments were all very good. I am so proud of him. He loves school so much. Some days it is a bit of a struggle to get him out the door. However, once he is there he really shines. It seems like college is just around the corner. Someone better be there to pick me up off the floor when that happens.