A Rough Day at the Office

Today was as rough day at the office (and not for reasons you might think). Everyday has its share of problems....sick kids, spilled milk, a broken copier, etc... pretty benign stuff in the scope of a day. But today was different. Today the rough day pulled at my heart.

I always say that these kids in the school are "my kids". I feel like I have a connection to each one of them. I am so blessed and fortunate to be even a small part in the lives of these kids. Realistically, when kids reach school age, they spend more time at school than they do at home. Although I am not in every classroom everyday, I do get to interact with the kids everyday. I might be in a classroom, in the cafeteria, outside at arrival or dismissal, patching a kid up with a band aid or just stealing a hug as they walk down the hallway.

I know their families. I know their little siblings. I know the names of their dogs, their grandparents and their fish. I know their parent's cars by sight. I know which kids need an extra hug in the morning and which are too cool for that kind of stuff. I know which kids walk to school. I know where their parents work and which parents are on the job hunt. I try my very best everyday to forge a relationship with these kids. To take a vested interest in their lives so that they will take a vested interest in their school, in their education.

So when one of "my kids" makes a mistake or uses poor judgement, it makes me sad. That happened today. While I can't go in to details of the situation, I will say that my mind shot forward 3 years. I pictured my boys sitting in the Principal's office.  I'm not trying to set my boys up for failure here, but everyone makes mistakes. Everyone uses poor judgement at some point in their lives. Everyone wants to fit in with a crowd. Everyone wants to be liked.

At what point do you just offer grace and understanding? At what point do you bring down the hammer of justice? At what point do you tell a student, "It's ok. You made a mistake". Knowing that at that defining moment in their life, they will never make that mistake again. Do you offer grace? Do you serve up consequences? A little of both?

Then you look into their eyes. You see the tears. You see the disappointment in themselves. You see the remorse and the "if I could just go back and undo that moment". You look into their eyes and you see your own kids. Then it clicks. These are my kids.

Now I'm not a Principal anymore. I'm a mom. It hurts me to see my kids so upset with their own behavior. I know they are punishing themselves more than I ever could or would.  I want to wrap my arms around them and make the hurt go away. Rub their hair and sooth their tears. Kiss their forehead and tell them how much I love them. Even though they do silly stupid things, I still love the person that they are becoming. Mistakes make us better. Consequences are tough but we learn through these lessons. And yet the tears still come. I absolutely love these kids to the bottom of my toes. Each and every one of them and it breaks my heart when they know my disappointment. They wear it on their shoulders like a heavy vest. I can't do anything to comfort them but they are my kids. I can't hug them (but I do). I can't wipe away their tears (but I do). I can't kiss them on the forehead (but I do). Most of the time I don't even know that I am reacting. It's just a natural instinct. Like pulling your hand away from something hot. It's just an instinct.

I have had so many parents at my school mistake kids for being "mine" that are not mine. "How many kids do you have?", they ask me.

That's what makes my job so hard. I celebrate their successess with them but I also have to participate in their mistakes. It's a constant roller coaster. With 179 kids, I never know what my day is going to hold. Am I going to celebrate a 100% on a spelling test or dish out a consequence for a lapse in judgement? Usually, during the course of a day, several of both. But some consequences are harder than others. When a child sits in my office and is truly remorseful, its hard to watch without interacting. My natural instinct is to hold that child. To love that child. I would never watch my own child at home go through those emotions without holding them. Hugging them. Wiping the tears away.

My heart spills over with joy and love everyday for these kids. I relish in the smiles, the laughter, the pride that our students take in their work. The admiration these kids have for their teachers. It's so difficult for me to only do half a job. To say but not do. To say but not act.

Tonight I got a sweet surprise. My oldest boy curled up in my lap for a little snuggle time. That does not happen very often these days. He must have known that I needed his 8 year old wisdom.

I love my kids. All of them.

Hot Dog!

Let me start this blog by reminding you that my children are 6 and (newly) 8 years old. 6 and 8! Let me also remind you that last year at this time they were both still in private ski lessons. We weren't sure that Cam would ever get out of ski lessons because his instructor said he liked speed too much and he was a bit out of control.

Fast forward to today. Today was the turning point where we were no longer waiting on our kids on the slopes. We were chasing them. And by chasing them I mean full speed catching up.

With the week that we have had (there's a lot still going on in the Silva household) we felt like we needed to take a family day. We took the boys out of school and headed up to Eldora. It was foggy, sunny, snowy, cold, warm....the only thing it was not was windy (perfect). We had a perfect day with the family and my heart is full.

Here are my two boys taking a lunch break. They were all smiles all day. So was I.
Here's a picture of Cam in the lift up the big mountain. It was so nice to be able to spend time with each boy. Going up the lift is a perfect time to just talk with your kids. It's so quite and beautiful. Cam even commented about how beautiful the scenery was up on the mountain.

I got to spend some time with Colin too. I just can't tell you how much I love these kids. After the last few weeks of stress and sadness, I really need to spend time with my family. I felt a little guilty about taking the boys out of school and taking a day off, but we needed this. I just needed to get lost in my family. That's exactly what we did.

Sooooo, that leads us to this picture. My boys went down a black diamond! Yes they did! It was amazing! The rocked that mountain! Can you tell I am excited about this???!!!

What a great way to spend the day! However, I have realized that I am going to have to get into shape to keep up with these boys. They skied circles around me today.

Cam on the black diamond run!






Both of the boys crossing paths on the black diamond run.







Colin trucking down the mountain.

Cam trucking down the mountain.

Colin's 8th Birthday

Colin's 8th Birthday was action packed! I flew in at 6am on Saturday and was home by 8am. Colin was so sweet. He waited for me to get home before he opened any of his presents. His joy brought a smile to my face. The morning started out with him opening his presents. He scored lots of Legos, a Pillow Pet, origami kits a paper airplane launcher and much more. He was so happy with every gift. They all seemed to be just perfect for this 8 year old boy!

Of course Legos are always a hit. He's built all of them that he has gotten so far. He just rolls them out. He has such great attention span when it comes to building.

After a breakfast of champions (that means donuts in the Silva house) we headed to the last basketball game of the season for the boys. Colin must have had some 8 year old confidence because he scored his first basket ever....and his second...and his third...and so on. That boy was on fire! He had such a great game!

Cam played a good game too. He played a good offense and a good defense. He was one of the youngest on the team but he did a good job hanging with the 2nd graders.

After basketball we ate lunch and headed out to the Harlem Globetrotters game. Colin's boy scouts pack presented the flags at the game. It was so neat to see how confident Colin was going out on the floor in front of all of those people. He did a great job. Again, I think that 8 year old confidence kicked in.

Here's Colin going out on the floor. Steve is his den leader so he was able to go out on the floor with his group.

Colin is in there somewhere. They got to present the flags and then at halftime they made a tunnel for the Globetrotters to go through. Colin was all smiles.

Camden was so proud to bring Great Grandma Willodean's stuffie (he named him Puddles) to see the Globetrotters. He has not let go of that little doggie since I brought it home to him on Saturday morning.

After the game we went around and got autographs. This guy's name is Flip. He was amazing. His flips and tricks defied gravity. The kids were very impressed with his talent.

This is Handles. He was the captain of the team. He talked the most and caused the most trouble. We were in line to get his autograph and they shut down the line two people in front of us. Colin was so disappointed. He started crying and I just felt so bad for him. I asked the woman that worked there and shut the line down if we could just get an autograph since it was Colin's birthday. Of course she said no which caused bigger tears. You can always tell when someone does not have kids of their own. I walked with Colin around to the front of the line and got the attention of the guy taking the picture tickets. When I motioned him over and told him it was Colin's birthday, he had us go around the line and put us in front of another section. Five minutes later we were taking our picture with Handles and getting his autograph. That guy definitely had kids of his own and understood the disappointment of a birthday boy. The lesson taught in that moment was that it does not hurt to ask. The worst that could have happened is that he could have told us no. Instead, he told us yes. We had a 50/50 chance and we got lucky. God bless that man. I'm not sure how long it would have taken us to get Colin out of that "no autograph" funk but I'm glad that we didn't have to find out. I love that Cam had Puddles in the picture too. What a great way to remember Great Grandma on the day she was laid to rest. It felt so good to laugh with my boys and share in the joy of Colin's birthday. He was so happy and I was so sad. Just being around my joyful kids helped me so much through that sad day.

Now we will jump to Sunday (the day of Colin's birthday party) and sing praises to my wonderful friend Angie who offered to make the Lego cake pops for Colin's party. I didn't know how I was going to get it all done. I spent Saturday in between the basketball game, the Globetrotters and a pizza dinner cutting out Lego letters, Lego dots and blowing up helium balloons. Those cake pops were not going to get done. I had actually taken Friday off of work since the boys were out of school and thought I would have all day Friday to get ready for the party. Instead I was in KS with no hope of Lego cake pops making themselves. In stepped Angie. She offered, I accepted. I think she might have been a little bit shocked that I jumped on that opportunity so quickly but I was sinking fast.

Can you believe they are so awesome?! She did an amazing job! I told every person that walked through my door that she made them. There was no way I was going to take the credit for these. The kids thought they were so cool. I did too!

Colin helped with the decorating. He has so many Legos. Every spare surface was covered with Legos.

Of course it wouldn't be a party without a pose from Addie.

And her sister Emma! My sweet Colin brightened my day more than once this weekend. He has such a good heart and a smile that lights up the room. I am so blessed to have him as my son.

The Silva's could never have a celebration without the Lee's. They have become some of the best friends that we have ever had. Liam is a great kid and a great friend to Colin. These two just "get" each other. Their love of Legos and Star Wars carries their friendship to places and conversations that I would never be able to understand. This is one of those friendships that will last a lifetime.

Some of the boys getting ready to chow down on some serious sugar!

It looks like everyone had a great time. They got to choose which Lego pop they wanted to eat. They were all decorated with different faces.

We had a surprise visit from a disguised member of the Lee family. Once again, this family is all heart. The sun was a little bright but we managed to get photos of all of the kids with the characters.

Cam didn't even attempt to open his eyes.

The last thing to round out the party was opening presents. Colin's friends know him so well. Every gift he received, he loved. Legos, crafts, sports, itunes cards...what a lucky boy!

All in all we had a great weekend. It took a lot to pull it off with smiles but we did it. I am so glad I was able to laugh and celebrate with Colin on his 8th birthday. He is such a great kid and has matured so much this year. I can't wait to see what this year hold for him. Colin, you are my heart and my happiness. Thank you for being such a sweet boy and a friend to everyone.

Grandma Grandma

This week has been a tough one for me. My grandma passed away on Wednesday. She was an amazing lady with a great sense of humor. I am exhausted from traveling. Exhausted from emotions. Exhausted from crying. I flew out and back in less than 48 hours. But I needed to be there and I needed to be here. So I figured out a way to do both. I'll sleep well tonight but before I do, I want to get some of my thoughts out while they are still so vibrant in my mind.

I always called my grandma, "grandma grandma". Never just one. Always two. She didn't call me Traci. Just Trace. So our phone calls began like this, "Hi Grandma Grandma." "Well hi Trace". So simple but forever in my mind.

I flew out Thursday night and arrived after midnight in KS. We decided that Friday we would go through grandma's apartment before going to the viewing Friday night. While we were cleaning out her apartment there were tears and laughter. As my mom and I cleaned out her closet, we were utterly amazed at how many leopard print tops she had in her array of wild clothing. Then we had a light bulb idea. Between her cloths and her jewelry, there was enough there for each of us to wear something of grandma's to her viewing. We thought grandma would get a kick out of this since seeing us in leopard print was quite a sight. Yes, the leopard print vest I am wearing belonged to my 94 year old grandmother. She was awesome! My sis, my mom, my niece and I all wore something leopard print from her closet. Hilarious! She had loads and loads of jewelry so we each chose some pieces to wear in her honor. I know she was laughing!



As you can imagine her viewing was hard. She looked beautiful. Peaceful. After we all shed buckets of tears, we laughed. We laughed long and hard remembering grandma. Bittersweet seems too simple of an explanation but that is exactly what it was.


Of all the things I remember about my grandma, I remember her cooking the most. She lived several different places during my childhood. It seems like each of them were my favorite because each brought new memories along with them.

Their place on Grand Lake (that's Oklahoma, not Colorado) was the one I remember most from when I was young. I don't know if I am remembering it correctly but in my mind it was the most beautiful house with a sprawling backyard. Their house backed right up to the lake. I can remember the very tall wren houses in the back and the drift wood that grandpa would collect and stack up by a big tree near the lake. I remember the green grass that sloped towards the lake. I spent hours and hours listening to the water lap up along the edge of the rocks. That was before the days of ipods and cell phones so the only thing to listen to really was the water.

Grandma used to grow the most amazing plants in her house. She had shelves set up along the back window and the sun would filter in to make them green and lush. She also grew African Violets in another area of the house. She would always have them under the artificial lights. I remember those lights because often times when we would go visit her and grandpa at the lake, I would have to sleep on the couch in the living room. I would compete with those lights and with the grandfather clock to try to get some sleep. Just as I would get situated enough to cover my eyes, the clock would strike and wake me up.

We always spent Easter break at the lake. I tell my boys every year about how the Easter bunny left my chocolate bunny too close to the wood burning stove one Easter. I woke up to a puddle of chocolate. I was so sad. But, the Easter bunny was always good to me and left me plenty of other goodies.

Oh, the coloring books. I would sit at grandma's table for hours and color. Then I would watch her play solitaire. Game after game after game of solitaire. She never really taught me how to play but I watched her enough that I became pretty good at it too.

Grandma always cooked huge meals and she never made anything that didn't taste delicious. Brownies, cobbler, spaghetti, potato salad, pumpkin pie, pumpkin bread, deviled eggs...even the homemade ice cream made at her house seemed to taste better. I just remember a buffet of my favorites. There was always something simmering on her stove or baking in the oven.

When grandma and grandpa moved from the lake, their next house was just a grand. It was a large open house with a big family room and huge kitchen. From that house I remember the small bedroom that was "mine" when I was there. Grandma's beds were always comfortable. They could be hard as a rock but still comfortable. They always had soft sheets and a quilt on top. Those quilts looked too thin to keep anyone warm but when you were under them, they were heavy and dense. They were perfect for pulling up around your chin and falling into a warm sleep.

After that house she and grandpa moved in to a four-plex. I spent a lot of my weekends there when I was in highschool. Grandma and I would stay up late watching movies. We would drive through the zoo, go out to lunch. We would just hang out. Then after grandpa passed away and she moved to Derby, we would do much of the same. Movies, dinners, ice cream. Grandma was just fun to hang out with. She talked and talked and listened when you needed her to.

Grandma always had a chihuahua. Some of her dogs I liked, some not so much. Some were biters, some were lickers, some were barkers. But they were all hers. They sat on her lap curled up in blankets and were more spoiled than a newborn baby. She loved her dogs.

As I think about grandma thoughts flutter in and out of my mind....

sunsets - she loved to watch the sunset from every house she lived in
birds - watching the birds were her entertainment for many years
crossword puzzles - she would work on these all the time with her perfectly sharpened pencil
kleenax - she always had a square of kleenax in the palm of her hand
rubberbands, paperclips, clothes pins - everything was kept neat and in its place
spiders - she hated spiders just as much as me
bobby pins - she would curl the hair right above her ears at night and bobby pin it in place
lipstick - I don't think I ever saw grandma with out lipstick on
movies - she loved to go to the movies with anyone that would take her
jewelry and clothing - she had a very broad scope of likes and dislikes
humor - that woman was a sarcastic as the day is long, but she was hilarious too

There are just so many things that I remember about my grandma. She loved each of us. She was so happy to see anyone that walked through the door. I remember being so excited when Christmas break would roll around I would know when I got home from school, grandma and grandpa would be at our house for Christmas. I absolutely loved being with them, even as a crabby teenager.

Grandma was always ready to greet you with a hug and a smile. She usually had a chocolate brownie for you too. She talked a lot about her faith and it comforts me immensely to know that she is in heaven. I miss her to the bottom of my toes. Just knowing that she is not there for us to visit anymore breaks my heart. But then I realize that she has earned her wings and the honor of being in heaven without pain, without suffering, without sorrow. She was a strong and faithful woman. And I know she'll have a brownie waiting for me when I get there.

Top 10 "You Have Got To Be Kidding Me" Moments Of The Week

1. Keep in mind that the week would mean from last Wednesday until now....Cam stayed home last Tuesday (yes, he missed his Valentine's party at school) Wednesday from school with a fluke 102 fever. Fun. Steve stayed home two days with Cam.

2. Lied through my teeth and sent a very sick and feverish friend on a surprise trip for her 40th birthday. There are a lot of details missing from that statement but it was tough to pull that off and I feel pretty guilty about it.

3. Colin came home from school yesterday with a fever nearing 104.

4. Slept on Colin's floor last night because his cough was so terrible, he was scared out of his mind.

5. Took Colin to Dr. today to learn that he did not have pneumonia *yet*. I can give him honey to help his cough and chicken noodle soup. Gee thanks Dr.

6. While at Dr. with Colin today I got a call from Cam's school (yes, the school where I work but was not there because I was taking care of another sick child). Cam was in the cross fire of a flying rock and got hit in the head. My first thought, oh well. My next thought after the Principal told me there was a lot of blood, oh crap.

7. Had to call Steve out of work to go get Cam since I was clear across town at the Dr. with the other boy. Steve picked up Cam and after some debate at home, we decided we needed to take him in to urgent care. My first intuition was that I just needed them to clean out the wound really well. It was a weird cut. More like a puncture wound. Must have been hit with the pointy end of the rock. But oh the blood.

8. Left one sick boy in Steve's care and took the other one to Children's. "Has he been seen here before?" I almost laughed. The triage nurse spelled out S-T-A-P-L-E-S when she was assessing his wound. Um no, I don't think so.

9. After a very very tearful application of numbing gel (they literally stuck the gel needle into the puncture to made sure it would numb it enough to clean the wound internally), we sat back and watched 30 minutes of Peter Pan.

10. One tearful wound clean later I convinced the Dr. not to put in staples. She agreed to glue since it cleaned up so nicely. Thank God.

11. Oh, and Steve will be staying home with the (still) sick Colin tomorrow. Then going in to work tomorrow night. I hate not living close to family.

I am not sure what is going on lately. I feel like it is one consecutive bad day after another. I am not sure if I am bringing this on myself with my bad attitude. However, it is hard to be cheerful when your kids are sick, your husband has to work crazy hours to help take care of the kids and dinner does not make itself. In my stroke of brilliance, I decided to get Chili's takeout yesterday since it was kids eat free. Would have been a great idea if I hadn't left my credit card sitting at the take out window.

I know the song to make rain go away. Is there a song to make bad days go away?

Ten on Tuesday

1. We went to the Nuggets game last night. We had great seats and were excited to get to share that type of moment with the boys. I think we had the youngest kids there (7pm game). I felt a little guilty for keeping the kids out so late on a school night. We left the game at half time and got home around 9:30pm. I think both boys really enjoyed the experience. However, Cam could not figure out which team was ours and kept rooting for the Rockies.

2. I took the kids bowling on Sunday so Steve could watch some of the Denver Broncos game in peace. Had I known the most important 10 seconds would come at the very end, I might have changed my strategy.

3. Steve was a brave soul and took Cam to a birthday party on Sunday mid-morning. It's a little intimidating for me to go to parties hosted by his school friends.

4. My goal this weekend is to clean out my van. I think I might be foiled by cold temps (tomorrow's high is 22) but we'll see.

5. It's a three day weekend. I'm really itching to get out of town with the boys but I am going to try be patient as Steve might have something in the works for February. Stay tuned.

6. The Bachelor does not seem to have the same pizazz this season as usual. I'm might not even watch the whole season. Okay, I probably will but I'm just sayin'.

7. Cam got it stuck in his head on Sunday that he wanted to buy a guitar. Not just any guitar but a Phineas and Ferb guitar. He had the allowance money saved up but this was the first I had ever heard of him wanting a guitar. Colin has one at home that Cam could play anytime. I had to pull out my mom authority card and say no. It was a weird moment. It was almost like he just wanted to find something to argue about. Oh wait, I'm talking about Cam. Never mind, I had him mixed up with a compliant, humble and quite little boy.

8. I'd really like to have an elliptical machine at home. It would give me a chance to read while exercising. mixing to of my greatest loves...guess I will have to save my allowance money.

9. My job is getting increasingly busier and so is our after school schedule with the boys. I think that equation is backwards. Something is supposed to slow down when another picks up.

10. I have a serious charley horse in my right calf. I had one last week in my left calf in the middle of the night. Last night the one on the right woke me up. It still hurts but feels better when I stretch it out. If I had a job where I could stretch all day, I might be okay.

Ten on Tuesday

1. Going back to work today was not as bad as I thought it would be. I love my job and the people I work with so it was easy to get lost in the fun instead of complaining about working.

2. Tomorrow might be a different story. Colin has been anxious the last four days about going back to school. There have been a lot of tears and hyperventilating. Cam has started to follow suite so it is likely that both boys will be in bad shape tomorrow.

3. There are 94 school days left. (Yipee!)

4. My kids like watching American Pickers. Strange.

5. I took Colin to the orthodontist today for his 6 month follow up from last summer. We were told that anytime we are ready, Colin can get braces on his bottom front teeth. What?!? He's can't be that grown up. We decided to wait until he has a further need for braces (which he will).

6. What is it with boys and wrestling? Why can't boys keep their hands off of each other? Along the same lines, why is farting so funny?

7. I need a good book series to read. I'm pretty versatile in what I like to read. (Twilight, Hunger Games, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings...). Any suggestions?

8. I love the library. I'm such a geek. I'm not sure I could ever own a kindle.

9. Our Christmas tree came down in record time this year. I knew that Colin would be anxious if I asked for his help taking down decorations. When Steve took the boys swimming on Sunday I saw an opportunity to race through the house like a crazy lady and get everything put away. By the time they got home, the only thing left to put away was the actual tree since I could not get it apart by myself. The strategy seemed to work because Colin shrugged his shoulders and decided that he would look forward to the decorations going back up next year.

10. Colin is an absolutely amazing Lego designer. I think he has found his "thing". I wish that Lego was an actual subject at school. It would sure give him something to look forward to everyday.