But I felt like I never lived "in the moment". I tried to relish in the day-to-day laughter. I wanted to enjoy play Legos for the four thousandth time. I pretended to sing along to The Wiggles even though I loathed that show. I put on a smile when my boys said "watch me" nearly every second of every day. All in all, I had a pretty bad attitude about being a stay at home mom.
I decided it wasn't enough. The grass is greener on the other side, ya know? I wanted something more. Something that would fill me up. Something that would challenge me (differently than a 2 year old challenges you). So, I took a full time job.
And my heart seized. I loved my job but man, it was hard. It was hard to give over control to my husband. He was the one getting the boys ready for school. Packing lunches, checking homework and taking the boys to school. After that being my routine for so many years, I was kicked out. Pushed aside. It was hard to stand back and watch. I felt like an outsider. It got easier and it got harder. Easier on the days when I still had enough energy when I got home from work to play outside with the boys. Harder when one of them was sick and Steve was the one to stay home. Easier when I got a snow day off work. Harder when I had to work summer days.
Then, it all stopped. I went from being a stay at home mom, to a full time working mom and back to a stay at home mom all in a year.
And here I am today. But I don't know where I fit. When I went to work full time it was the first year Cam was in school all day. All of those "things" I thought I would be doing that year (prior to taking a full time job) were put on hold. You know, painting, major yard work, actually having lunch with friends, getting my house in order, cleaning out closets, going to a movie (during the day!!!). Now my boys are in school full time and I've been a stay at home mom for a year and a half. To give myself a little credit, it was sort of a whirlwind until spring last year because we were still unpacking and getting settled into our new house.
But still, I'm supposed to be taking care of "me". I don't know how to do that. I've never done that. I've always taken care of others (my children to be specific). I still have a hard time defining what "taking care of me" means. Does it mean I get my nails done every week? Well, no, because I don't want my nails done. Does it mean I get a massage once a month? Well, no, because I can't afford that. Does it mean I read in a comfy chair by the fire while my kids are at school? Well, no, because I'd probably fall asleep and then not pick them up from school.
Love the photo?
I had these really amazing images of working out every morning and spending the rest of my day puttering around my cozy house that oozed tranquility and peace. Truth be told, I have so much cat fur in my bathtub that I'd have to scrub it out before I could even take a bath. My scentsy makes my nose itch and if I don't start my exercise before 9am, it's not going to happen that day. I don't feel like downloading and organizing my 5,000 photos so that I can make cute scrap books. Shopping for home decor is not my favorite sport and shopping for clothes is my kryptonite. I can't knit (have no interest in learning), it's been winter for the past 14 months so I can't garden and I volunteer enough at my boys' school that I feel like Norm from Cheers. I do volunteer. I serve others. I donate. I pray. I attend a women's group. But I don't feel refreshed.
So, how do I take care of me? Do I deserve to take care of me? What does that mean, "Take care of me?" For a fleeting moment I thought that maybe if I had a bottle of wine during the day, that might qualify as taking care of me. It's probably a good thing that thought didn't last very long.
I know there are plenty of you out that with great ideas on what it means to "take care of you". So, what do you do? After all the house work, chores, to do lists....how do you take care of you?
This may sound silly (and I am not very good at it yet), but part of "taking care of me" is taking care of my children. I have a ridiculously difficult time going to coffee or to get a manicure or to dinner by myself knowing that I could be at home enjoying life with my kids. There are things I do "for myself"--ladies Bible study, Zumba once a week, keep up with a couple shows during nap time or in the evenings, sell Thirty-One as a hobby, etc. But for the most part, I think that the Lord has called me to this role and He is more than capable of taking care of me better than I am! Often, when I step away from my kids, I then miss them and treasure them so much more when I return. I don't like hearing the stories of all that went on without me there and the fun that was had without me! I genuinely enjoy my children!!!!! I want to watch them grow and learn.
ReplyDeleteThe other way I suppose I take care of myself is by being willing to ask for help when I need it. Within the body of Christ, we are commanded to bear one another's burdens (Galatians 6:2), love one another (John 13:34), be devoted to one another (Romans 12:10), and to build one another up (1 Thessalonians 5:11). Part of the process in being the best mommy and wife I can be is to admit that I am human, have weaknesses, and benefit from another's assistance from time to time. Having another step in and lend a helping hand, provide a meal, or pray with me helps lessen my burden and thus helps me take care of me. Then I get to share in that with others as well, which also gives me opportunity to feel like I am a contributing member of society rather than a mooch.
I have not been doing this even as long as you have, but I think the best way to take care of me is to-in some way-look for opportunities to take care of others with my God-given gifts, talents, and resources.