A Moment

I had a moment this morning. Well, more like an hour but who's counting? If you are looking for a light and airy feel good read today, this is not the blog to be reading. This moment was deep. This moment was soulful. This moment caught me weeping, yes weeping by the side of the road. Read on if you want a little peek into my mind today. Grab a Kleenax. This one's a doosie.

This moment technically started last night. A certain child of mine had been grasping with the idea of loving God more than anyone or anything else in this world. It's strange because he has been talking about this for a few weeks. I always respond with, "Yes, that's what we are supposed to do. That's what God tells us to do. That is what is right and correct." It's a pretty blanket answer with not much feeling.

But I am Christian. I am Catholic. I believe in God. I believe that Jesus died for our sins. And yet, I doubt. I doubt every time I think of something happening to my children. I doubt every time I think of losing someone that I love. The one thread that keeps my mind believing is not the huge revelation that God loves us or that Jesus died for us. It is the heart wrenching thought that unless I have faith, I stand a good chance of never ever seeing my family, my loved ones, again beyond death. That thought crushes my heart. So, I believe.

I go through the motions. I go to church. I talk with my kids about the Bible and what we "should" believe. I try to teach lessons daily on right and wrong. I try to be joyful with and within my children. Sometimes I fail miserably. Sometimes I seize moments and teach into our faith. Sometimes I just don't know how and I fail. I lose those moments and then regret that I am not more faithful. That I am not a better person. That I am not a better Christian. That I am not a better believer. That I don't necessarily lead a God-centered life. Not even close.

In the last few days a few things have happened.

1. I keep hearing one of my children stating that we are supposed to love God more than anyone else. He is having a hard time with that and so am I.

2. The other child had a few rough moments yesterday where he needed to be reminded that God forgives. No matter what, he forgives. That is why Jesus died for us. He died so that we could be forgiven. Just ask, I tell my child. Just ask for forgiveness.

Last night I went to bed with a very heavy heart. My child was hurting and I could not fix it. I could not put a band-aid on it and just make it go away. He was having a very rough internal struggle and he would not talk with me. The most I got was, "I feel like I did something wrong and I know God has forgiven me but how do I forgive myself?"

He was sad. He was hurt. He was emotional. And I had nothing. Nothing to offer. Nothing profound to ease his pain. I just kept telling him that no matter what, God loved him. Always. He will forgive. Always. However, and this is key, I was not sure at the moment that I really believed what I had just said. I struggle in my own mind to picture this "other being". This "all knowing, all loving and all forgiving" God. I want my children to feel His comfort when my own comforting is not enough. I want my children to ALWAYS have someone, something, to turn to when they feel lost. When they feel sad. When they feel like they are not worthy. I want them to be comforted so badly by His words. But it is my job to teach them His words. And I don't know much about His words. I have an idea. I have a Bible. I have music CD's. I have thoughts. I have moments of inspiration. But I don't really "feel" Christian. I am not even sure what that is supposed to "feel" like. All I know is that around every corner of brilliant thought and word that I speak to my children about God, I doubt. I doubt that I really believe what I am saying . I suppose this is the age old struggle of good and evil. Of God and Satan. Of right and wrong. But I never dig any deeper. I never move on the moment. I blink and go on.

Not this morning. I woke up today with a heavy heart. The conversation last night with my child was weighing on me. I woke up at 6am to go for run. I didn't feel like running but I went anyway. I walked for some time. Listening to my ipod and tuning out the world. And then I started thinking. Running always helps me come up with brilliant ideas. Camp Silva was born from running. The surprise trip to Legoland was born out of running. Even applying for the job as Vice Principal was born out of running. However, it's usually not a lot of deep thinking. I can't "do" running, listening to music, trying not to get run over by a car and deep thinking at the same time. So I run mindlessly. I let go. This is my time with myself. Not my time with God. My time with myself. Selfishly selfish self.

Until today. I got about a mile from the house and my mind was racing. How can I help this child of mine feel the bursting love that I feel in MY heart for him? I love my family more than anything in this world. "No", I thought to myself, that is not right. I am supposed to love God more than anything. But that does not work for me. My family. I love my family more. Always more. Then the guilt. I am not supposed to love my family this much. I am supposed to love God more. How can I teach my children to love God more when I literally do not practice what I preach? Can I fake it? I have been to this point but I think I have been suspected by my children. I don't FEEL that. I don't WANT that. My heart literally aches at times because I love my family so much. My priorities are all messed up. I want to raise these boys to be Christians. I want to raise these boys to be good men. Good fathers. Good husbands. God-faring men. God-faring fathers. God-fairing Husbands. How? How am I (are we) supposed to love God more than our children? More than my husband?

And then the moment hit me. Literally knocked the wind out of me. Literally stopped me in my tracks. All I was thinking was how much I love MY family. But then I thought, how much does God love ME? Bam!

I told my son last night that I loved him so much at times that it literally hurts. But, I went on to explain, God loves him inexplicably more. God. Loves. Him. More. God loves him more than he can ever imagine. We are all God's children. God loves us more deeply, more fully, more profoundly that any person on earth could ever love us. God's love runs deeper than anything. Ever. Forever. No matter what. Always. Sinner and all. God loves us MORE.

And then I had to stop running. I literally had to stop and sit down. I was sobbing. I was a wreck. I have been on this earth for 38 years and have never felt moved in that way. I have gone to church nearly every Sunday of my life. I went through years of CCD classes, First Communion classes, Confirmation classes; years. I never really felt like I believed what I was learning. I never really felt the love of God. Here I am telling my kids that god loves them more deeply, and I did not believe. I never felt moved. I never felt led. Always just lost. Lost.

And here I am. On the sidewalk in Erie, Colorado at 6:30am running with tears streaming down my face. Other people are out walking. I allowed myself to stop running and then I just started sobbing. I literally had to sit down. I had to think for a minute. Shake my head. Get this thought out. But my mind was racing.

God is a Father. God is MY Father. A Father. I know how deeply I love my children. If he loves me even an 1/8 more than I love my own children, I can not imagine the aching he feels when we are hurting. I can not imagine the grace he gives us. I can not imagine the powerful feeling of pride that he feels when we are following HIS words. I can not imagine anyone loving me more than I love my own children. But HE does. He loves us more. He loves ME more. He loves MY children more.

That moment brought me to the ground. That moment changed everything. That moment made me feel closer to God than I have in all of my 38 years. That moment made me understand how much God loves ME. ME. Little ole' ME. The most ironic and iconic thing about this moment is that it was not really about ME. It was about me believing what I have been telling my children all along. It was about being able to really really believe what I am teaching my children. It's about walking the walk and talking the talk and really believing.

For so long I have felt like something was missing in my life. I knew that a big part of that was my faith. But you can not force faith. I heave searched. I have prayed. I have had conversations with others about this missing piece. However, I could not fill this void because I did not know exactly what was missing. Today, I found it. It was a connection. It was a connection from knowing the love of being a parent. It was a true belief. It was a true belief that someone could love ME more. That someone could love my kids more. That no matter what, I was and will always be forgiven. That no matter what, I can have that unconditional, undying, never wavering love. And so can my children. Even when I am gone. Even when they are sad, or mad, or lost, or hurt, or scared. Even when I can not find the words.

He can do the impossible. He can love my children more than I love my children. I never thought that was possible. And he loves me the same way. I have no idea why this has never struck me before. I have always heard that some people have a moment when they turn their life over to Christ. I thought I had done that a long long time ago. Today was my true moment. Today was the moment that I professed that I believe. Feeling the love that I feel as a parent is unlike any other feeling I have ever had in my life. Feeling the love for my husband and the father of my children is unlike any other. But feeling the love of Christ. That unconditional, never failing, never ending love. That is bigger than me. That is more than I ever thought possible.

I don't know why this moment came today. I suppose it came because of prayer. Because of longing. Because of my need and desire for something more for myself, for my family. Something more for my children. Some way to comfort them. To lead a better life. To lead a more fulfilled life. The many times I have prayed for wisdom. The many times I have prayed for guidance and patience. The many times I have ached over my children's hurt feelings. The many times I have spoken the Word to them and not fully believed.

Today is the day that I feel whole. Today is that day that I feel loved. Today is the day that I feel I can teach my children the Word of God and believe.

Today I had a moment. And it will last a lifetime.