This Is What It's Like....

This is what it's like having a child with anxiety...it's heartbreaking. For those of you that don't know and don't understand, let me give you a glimpse into the world of an anxious child.

It's Halloween night. Every child in the USA is amped up and ready to get some candy. They are proud to show off their Halloween costume. Proud to draw attention to themselves. Proud to step up to that door and holler, "Trick or Treat".

Not a child with high anxiety. The child with high anxiety had a great time at the school Halloween party. There was not a moment where someone would have thought that the anxious child was not having fun. In fact, his dad was even at the party snapping pictures of all the smiling faces.

As the afternoon wears on the anxious child takes off his costume. When he is prompted to put his costume back on, he asked if we could go trick or treating a few minutes late because he was busy doing something else (building legos, which is an all time favorite past time that can be self absorbing and soothing). Now you might ask yourself, what child does not want to leave on time for trick or treating? The answer, the anxious child.

The plan was to have dinner at a friends house and go out trick or treating (as we have done every year for the past 3 years) with them. We always have a great time hanging out with this family and trick or treating with them is always a huge highlight of the year. Ten minutes after we stepped through the door I could tell that the anxious child was on edge. He went outside for just a few minutes after a lot of prompting but he did not play with the other kids. The kids were not doing anything wrong, the anxious child just needed to be by himself.

At the dinner table there was a lot of laughing and fun going on and the anxious child did not join in the jokes. Then the tell tale sign, he asked if he could go lay down on the floor in a quite corner.

Bells went off in my head. His anxiety was getting the better of him. I was trying to finish my dinner as fast as I could. However, before I could finish the tipping point had already passed. The anxious child asked to go outside because all the noise and chaos of the day had just come crashing down around him.

Ten minutes later I was taking the anxious child home on Halloween night. He was in tears and refusing to go trick or treating. I had just bailed on our friends that were probably wondering what in the world happened. If felt so bad but knew that the situation was not going to get better before it got worse. I was right. A full blown episode ensued with the anxious child. The day had caught up with him.

All the noise. The chaos. The attention. The different people in the classroom. The altered evening routine. Even with the prospect of collecting a bucket full of candy, it was just too much for the anxious child.

After going through some of the strategies that the psychologist has taught us, I was able to get the anxious child back down from his anxiety attack. That's literally what happens. A full blown anxiety attack in a 7 year old. It's so sad. It's so heartbreaking. And what's worse, he is realizing that he is different from other kids. He has asked why his brother can handle certain things (like play dates and sleepovers) and he can't.

I was able to get him out to trick or treat. But he wanted to go alone. No brother. No friends. So be it. For an hour he was able to feel like a kid without the weight of the world on his shoulders. It was nice to see him be a kid for a few hours.

He knows that not wanting to go swimming with a friend, not wanting to be in lego camp, not wanting to go to a friends house after school, not wanting to go trick or treating...not wanting to do those things is just not normal.

It. Breaks. My. Heart.

I just realized tonight in that moment of his pain (crying huge tears and not being able to explain how he feels) that I have pushed him too hard too many times. I have pushed him to go to a friends house when he did not want to go. I thought I was doing what was best for him. I thought he "needed" to socialize. To some extent he does. But it dawned on me tonight that when he goes to a friends house, he has no outlet to go into a room and shut the door the clear his head in peace and quite. He has no way to take himself to a calming place when he has a friend constantly wanting his attention.

How many times have I sent him to a friend's house knowing that he really wanted that friend to come to our house? I always thought it was because he wanted to be around me. Nope. It's because he wants to be able to have that outlet to go to his room and shut the door for a few minutes. It's so that he can have a way to exit the chaos without drawing any attention to himself.

I didn't get it until tonight. I have no idea why I didn't get it. Tonight, I did.

His psychologist has told me before that she wanted to test him for sensory issues and giftedness. I was always against it. Not anymore. Now I see that he is different. Now HE sees that he is different. If having him tested gets him some extra support, I am all for it.

Everyday we try to make the right decisions for our anxious child. We help pick out clothes that aren't too scratchy, food for lunch that's not to different, track his homework so that it does not get forgotten. We do what we can to make things routine. We do our best.

We switched schools after a very hard decision so that he would be more comfortable. He see a psychologist that costs more than a monthly car payment. We try to keep a schedule. We anticipate anxiety points and try to work around them. It's hard living with an anxious child. A sweet anxious child.

I have to say that I am tired of all the questions about school. I am tired of people I barely know questioning why my anxious child does not go to the school where I work. My anxious child has found comfort with a teacher at a different school. He has found comfort in the routine, in the friendships, in the familiarity of the school where he attended last year.

Any parent should understand that you do what is best for your child, not what you think will LOOK best in another person's eyes.

It may look like I shelter my anxious child. It many look like I enable my anxious child. It may look like I coddle my anxious child. But here is the point; he is MY child. Not YOURS. MY child that did not want to go trick or treating. MY child that does not want to have play dates. MY child that does not want to go swimming with friends. MY child that does not want to be in the lego club despite the fact that he loves legos. MY child that is beginning to understand that he is not like all the other kids. It's hard because he does not want to leave the house most days. He does not want anyone other than me picking him up from school. He does not want his routine altered. He does not want to be in any sport or on any club that might change his routine. There are so many confining "rules" when you live with an anxious child. No, he won't just "get over it" or "learn how to deal with it". This is what it's like living with an anxious child.

It is a constant roller coaster of emotions. A constant wave of joy and sadness. A constant craving of routine. A constant need to explain to others why we can't do certain things with our anxious child. This is what it's like to live with an anxious child.